Cheese Incarnate

The other night I sang a jazz gig, a Symphony on the Green date at the *bleep* golf course in *bleep*. Two other singers were scheduled to be there, but one couldn't make it and he had a sub. The sub got up to sing, and his performance of "The Lady Is a Tramp" inspired the following ditty:

He’ll tell you he’s Catholic but it’s easy to see
He’s really a Czech Jew from Dallas and he
Will answer to Frank, or Tony, or Dean
But he’s not smart enough to be that mean -
Or good, but he’ll make you wish for Las Vegas
And just ‘cause his name isn’t Randy Ortegas
Doesn’t mean he can’t croon with the best of them, baby,
He wants his bottle and he don’t mean maybe.

His slickery head’s a combover deluxe
And his watery eyes suggest goiter or flux.
He’s got the moves kinda like Sammy, but white.
He could almost be charming - almost, but not quite.
He calls women sweetheart and angel and toots,
And has leathery skin like he worked a kibbutz.
As dapper as Dan and as simple as Simon
He’s snapping his fingers regardless of timin’.